Today, I want to share with you the
most important piece of advice I've received so far. But let me tell you a bit
of the story being it.
As a teenager, I have been bullied
by several people and for different reasons. I tried to get it to stop by
telling the adults around me, but revenge happened and I didn't want to seek help with the grownups on that matter anymore. It eventually died out on itself
the next year when having different classmates.
Then it happened again, as a young
adult, within the company I was working for at the time. It lasted until I had
an insightful chat with my mum. She is a shrink and we often chat about our
days, what went well or not. She is very easy to talk to, but I sometimes
struggle to open up to her (for no reason as she won’t judge me or love me
less).
So one evening, I was venting about
this colleague I was in training with, who has said mean things to me and was
always looking for my attention and being a pain in the neck. I was expecting
something along the line of “my poor darling”, but that never happened. My mum
looked at me in the eyes and told me calmly that my behavior towards that
person was responsible for being bullied. That I was responsible.
Obviously, I was speechless and
quite shocked. I changed subject and reflected on it, until a mentoring session
I had a few days later. I explained the situation and the piece of advice I
have been given. My mentor told me to stand straight, to ask for the respect I
was due and to make sure it wouldn't hurt me.
The next training session, I tried
my best to do what I was told. It actually came more naturally than I thought
and made me feel so good, so strong. The bullying stopped almost instantly.
That lady seemed to be so confident,
I envied her for it. She could easily voice her opinions, questions and doubts
in front of everyone without ever looking nervous (she is a true extrovert). In
reality, she is as insecure as I am, maybe more.
I understood then that the louder
the person is, the less confident they are in reality. That confidence is all
about appearances: if you look confident, people will assume you are and treat
you differently. So next time you meet someone who is very loud in their
general behavior, or maybe a bit intimidating, keep in mind it is only for appearances:
they are most certainly as insecure as you are and are just better at hiding it
than you.
I have since become friend with that
lady and have weekly catch up calls with her. Now, I know how to stop that kind
of behavior:
- Make
sure your bully knows they don’t affect you,
- Stand
proud: you are beautiful, strong and can do and be what you want,
- If
you are bullied at work, ask for the respect you are due (they have a lot more
to lose than you!)
- Don’t
let their “confidence” fool you: they make mistakes like everyone else and may
not be who they seem.
We never talked about how she made
me feel. I think I will sometimes, so she can learn from her mistakes and stop
that kind of behavior, as I’m sure most of it was unintentional.