Introversion and negativity

I joined Google+ to meet other introverts, share thoughts and experience and promote my blog. Before discovering that I am an introvert, I’ve often felt different, isolated and/or strange when I’d react differently from extroverts in a given situation. Joining this community made me understand that I’m not the only one feeling that way. 

Recently, I’ve noticed an increase in negativity in my feed. I get that the internet is a great place to vent and let go of your frustrations. I get that in real life, those people with negative posts may be a lot more positive about interacting with others. That said, being surrounded by so much negativity is tiring and makes me feel different, isolated and strange all over again.

 

I’ve seen all sorts of quotes about extroverts, interacting with people, wanting to be alone. Truth is I rarely agree with them. I don’t think extroverts are inherently bad people. I don’t think I’d be happier on my own. I want to interact with people, go to parties, make new friends. That doesn’t make me an extrovert. 

Just like many posts about feminism on Tumblr (and probably on other social media too), many posts about introversion/extroversion on Google+ are complete crap to me. Treating men as evil creatures doesn’t make you a stronger woman or a feminist. Treating extrovert as if their purpose in life was to inflict pain on introverts is just as ridiculous and vain. 

I believe in understanding others and their motives, sharing and communicating to make everyone’s life easier. Obviously, it is not always possible or realistic or effective. But saying “I’m an introvert and this is how I perceive this given situation” is making a step in the right direction. It is gaining more respect from others (extroverts included) than shutting down everyone around while silently complaining in your head. 

No one should hide behind the fact that they are introverts (or extroverts!) to act like they do. If you don’t listen to people when they talk, it is not because you are an extrovert; it is because you choose not to. If you don’t have many friends like I do, it is not because you are an introvert; it is because like me you don’t make efforts to make new ones. 

Human being are complex creatures, and I’m getting tired of people using only side of one’s personality to define them and using this as an excuse or a cause to everything they do. In literature, it is called a synecdoche. 

I’ve attended 5S training in England last week. I met six new people from all Europe. I obviously had an introvert moment at the beginning of the week. From the first day though, I’ve spent my evenings with the team and did not escape to the loneliness of my hotel room. I’ve learned a lot about them and I’m looking forward working with them again. They were pretty surprised to learn that I’m an introvert (as most people). I can be an introvert and be a social being. The counterpart of that week is that I spent most of my week end hidden in my bed, alone with a book (and social media). 

So please, stop justifying your negativity by the fact that you are an introvert…

I am the Captain of my own ship

The week before I left, two major events happened:

1. I won the European Project of the Year Award for FY14,

2. I sent my BlackBelt project deck for certification. I only have the presentation left before I can be certified.

After this great week, I took advantage of my holidays and thought about my job and my career. I wondered what key element makes me a successful Project Leader. Obviously, there is technical knowledge, but it is not always the key to success. Introversion is a distinctive element from my peers, though sometimes it can make a project go south. What really makes a difference is what I call having a sense of vision.

To me, having a sense of vision is to be able to visualize, to imagine what a solution / software / process will look like before it goes live. At home, it translates in having a clear idea what the room will look like before you start renovating it. As my parents both have vision, I thought for years that it was common to everyone. Leading projects, I discovered that not only it is not the case, but also that it comes really handy.

Because I am comfortable with IT topics, I often end working on software related projects. I have done a data entry software demo to the Unions Rep a couple of months ago and told my audience that the software will be in French (it was in English at the time) and that the field will be the same that the ones used today for each Customer (when I was showing a generic US customer configuration). In my head, I see pretty clearly what it is going to look like. My audience had a hard time doing the same, creating push back and fear of change. 

As a Project Leader, I am the one with a vision. As I am not my Team Members' Manager, I do my best to be their leader using vision and persuasion. I like the metaphor of acting as the Captain of a ship to describe the role of a Project Leader. Let take that journey together.

As I just said, I am the captain of the ship (Project Leader). I have been asked  and given the means by the Governor (Sponsor) to complete a mission (solve an issue). I need to gather a Crew (Team) depending of the size of my ship and destination (project). My Crew is made of a few volunteers, but mainly of people who take part of this journey out of necessity. 

My role is to convince them that I know where we are going (solution) and that no matter how hard the journey will get (DMAIC steps), it will be worth it and they will get their gold (benefits from the project). Food and water (investments and resources) are limited on board and need to be managed properly.

Once at sea, them leaving will make it harder to navigate (lead the project to success). They may lose their lives (from credibility to job) in the process of leaving. Once we get to the promised land (Control phase), we celebrate and share the gold (benefits). Then we move on to our next mission (project).

The most important piece of advice I've received so far

Today, I want to share with you the most important piece of advice I've received so far. But let me tell you a bit of the story being it.

As a teenager, I have been bullied by several people and for different reasons. I tried to get it to stop by telling the adults around me, but revenge happened and I didn't want to seek help with the grownups on that matter anymore. It eventually died out on itself the next year when having different classmates.

Then it happened again, as a young adult, within the company I was working for at the time. It lasted until I had an insightful chat with my mum. She is a shrink and we often chat about our days, what went well or not. She is very easy to talk to, but I sometimes struggle to open up to her (for no reason as she won’t judge me or love me less).

So one evening, I was venting about this colleague I was in training with, who has said mean things to me and was always looking for my attention and being a pain in the neck. I was expecting something along the line of “my poor darling”, but that never happened. My mum looked at me in the eyes and told me calmly that my behavior towards that person was responsible for being bullied. That I was responsible.

Obviously, I was speechless and quite shocked. I changed subject and reflected on it, until a mentoring session I had a few days later. I explained the situation and the piece of advice I have been given. My mentor told me to stand straight, to ask for the respect I was due and to make sure it wouldn't hurt me.

The next training session, I tried my best to do what I was told. It actually came more naturally than I thought and made me feel so good, so strong. The bullying stopped almost instantly.

That lady seemed to be so confident, I envied her for it. She could easily voice her opinions, questions and doubts in front of everyone without ever looking nervous (she is a true extrovert). In reality, she is as insecure as I am, maybe more.

I understood then that the louder the person is, the less confident they are in reality. That confidence is all about appearances: if you look confident, people will assume you are and treat you differently. So next time you meet someone who is very loud in their general behavior, or maybe a bit intimidating, keep in mind it is only for appearances: they are most certainly as insecure as you are and are just better at hiding it than you.

I have since become friend with that lady and have weekly catch up calls with her. Now, I know how to stop that kind of behavior:

• Make sure your bully knows they don’t affect you,
• Stand proud: you are beautiful, strong and can do and be what you want,
• If you are bullied at work, ask for the respect you are due (they have a lot more to lose than you!)
• Don’t let their “confidence” fool you: they make mistakes like everyone else and may not be who they seem.

We never talked about how she made me feel. I think I will sometimes, so she can learn from her mistakes and stop that kind of behavior, as I’m sure most of it was unintentional.

A smile can make a big difference

Today, one of my colleagues, who sit at the desk in front of mine, decided to have a bad day. She got really upset about her chair being misplaced as someone borrowed it last afternoon. I understand that having your belongings (though own by the company) used when you are not here is not pleasant.

Then it was her computer. Then it was the noise. Then it was the people around her who are not nice enough. Then it was the work load. Then it was not going to eat outside of the company enough (when we go outside often she complains about her weight). It is only mid day, but she already found about a dozen reasons to complain loudly to everyone and have a bad day. Including about facts that happened weeks ago and belong to the past.

Shit days happen to everyone and for a variety of reasons. You have the right to be upset by events and thus have a bad day. Consciously turning your day in a shitty one is completely different though.

I am rarely in a bad mood (usually when I didn’t sleep enough the night before). Even those days, I’d rather isolate myself from my colleagues (meaning I have my headphones on and won’t talk much to people) rather than have them suffer my bad mood. I also try to smile more than I’m inclined to on one of those days. Thus, my colleagues tend to smile back at me and be nicer. My mood usually improves after a few hours (and coffees), and I go back to having a better day. 

I also tell people I am a bit grumpy that day, so they can stay away from me or won’t be offended if I’m not my usual self. If I'm at home, I'll spend some time alone and rest, or do things that make me happy for a while before I'm a social being again.

Besides, your day won’t be better/easier/shorter if you spend it complaining and looking cross… So don’t forget to smile! It won’t fix all your issues but will improve your mood!

Morning routine and introversion

One of the exercises we have done during BlackBelt training is to map our morning routine, identify wastes and improve our process.

I won’t do the exercise here; though I can tell you everyone that knows about my morning routine reacts strongly to it. To men, it is a waste of time. Women’s opinions vary depending of their own routine. To my parents it is way too rigid and organized (that’s one of the perks of being a Lean expert: you optimize your process and make it sustainable!). To my husband, it is too long but consistent enough to help him anticipate the step I am at.

Tasks at hand

I am not a morning person, so the snooze button is my favorite thing in the morning. When I am awake enough, I check my calendar for the day and the weather to determine what I’ll wear – while still hiding under the covers. I then shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, apply makeup and do my hair. I hopefully only have about 20 minutes commute and usually have a coffee and / or breakfast at work.

Getting ready to me is not only being appropriate enough to go outside. It is also getting in the mind frame to face my day and be successful at it. By checking my meetings and the weather, I’m able to put together an outfit that fits my day. If I have challenging tasks / appointments, I’ll make sure to wear comfortable but empowering clothing. If I feel strong enough, I’ll wear something out of my comfort zone, like a dress or something more formal.

Makeup

But the highlight of my morning routine (no pun intended) is doing my makeup. During about 10 minutes, I am alone in front of my mirror doing something by myself and for myself only. It all started when my husband got diagnosed with cancer. I needed this selfish time and the extra layer of concealer. With years, practice and Youtube tutorials, I’ve learned that I can easily change the perception people have of me thanks to makeup. I can look less tired or more “serious” than usual. Obviously, the opposite is also true: I can make myself look sick, but it’s not pleasant for anyone. Makeup feels a lot like war paint: I’m trying to make an impression on my enemies (or colleagues in my case) just using the right colors strategically placed on my face.

When I say to people that I am not a morning person and I describe my morning routine, the first piece of advice they give me is to skip makeup. Don’t get me wrong: I am comfortable with my “naked” face and often go out without makeup. For work though, I always try to look professional, strong and confident. And it seems to work, as the days I go for a very natural look, people tend to say that I look tired…

Setting the mood

I also choose strategically the music that goes with my morning routine. I’ve recently created a “Moral Boost” playlist (inspired by some found on Spotify) to give me more energy and strength. It really makes a difference to the state of mind I am in when I arrive at work. I don’t listen to full albums anymore, just to playlists that are mood or situation oriented.

I sometimes carpool with my husband and even though I appreciate the extra time together, I don’t feel ready when I arrive at the office. I lack the mental preparation and alone time to be ready for a day of pretending to be an extrovert. On the way back home, I usually sing (very loud and off key) all the way, to get rid of everything negative and work related.

So when looking at a morning routine (or any “personal” process really), keep in mind that waste can only be qualified as such by the person who benefits from it. My next post will be a few hacks I’ve found to reduce waste in my morning routine.

Have a nice week!

b

Losing a friend

As an introvert, I have a hard time making new friends. I have a very small but very close circle of friends and the idea of losing one of them upsets me deeply.

I’ve been referred to as a friend by someone lately. This made me realize that I don’t really know what it means to be friend, or at least that I needed to be clear on what it means for me and others. To me, being friend means enjoying to spend time together, to discuss topics that matter to one or both parties, to be interested in the other person’s life and want to know more about it. Also, all that needs to happen without any obligation (work, interests…). It certainly doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or doing everything together.

As an introvert and someone who hates phone calls, I tend not to contact my friends enough. When you see your friends every day, at school or work for instance, maintaining these relationships is fairly easy. But when you grow up and leave school, you tend to lose contact, especially if one or both parties change a bit too much.

That what happened to me recently. During my first year of Uni, I was friend with three girls. Two of us changed Uni when going for another major. Ironically, we are the only two of the four still in touch on a regular basis. Meeting new people, having less in common and spending less time together drift us apart. I can’t identify clearly the factors that made that change happen, but I’m sure that work, not enough time spent together, geographic distance and the influence of other people played a key role in our relationships.

So when one of these friends contacted me again asking me for a favor, I saw a chance to reconnect and be friends again. Obviously, if I’m venting on my blog today, you can guess that it didn’t work out as planned. She got what she wanted, but gave nothing back in return (not even a mere “thank you”). I didn’t expected much, only a genuine interaction I guess. Being used by this person makes me feel sad for her and what we had, but also angry at myself for being too nice and helping her.

There is little I wouldn’t do for my best friend, even though I don’t call her enough. This little episode made me realize how precious she and her family are to me and made me want to put more efforts in our relationship. And as usual, she supports me through all of this, just because she wants to. 

Thresholds for outside stimulation : Media of interaction

After the « who » of my interactions with the outside world, I need to classify the « how ». I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s the case of most introverts, but the way people reach out to me have a huge impact on the whole interaction.

My friends and family often make fun of the fact that my husband is the easier way to get a hold of me on the phone. They even tend to call him before they try my number. The reason behind this is simple: there is other media I dislike as much as phone calls. I answer my phone for work related calls all day, but avoid doing so after hours. Here are 4 of the reasons for my hatred against phone calls:

•      My attention is always drawn to other places: incoming emails, TV, people around me, my previous activity, my computer…
•    You can’t delay a phone call: it’s not always the right time / place to talk, you can be interrupted / interrupting while doing something else…
•      It is impossible to read the other person’s face and body language.
•      Speaking a foreign language over the phone tend to be a challenge.

Face-to-face interactions are usually better but depend on other factors like how many people I’m interacting with at once and how comfortable I am around them. It is a lot easier to focus my attention on them as they stand in front of me. I’ll fully interrupt what I have been doing if someone comes to talk to me. Though, I am not always comfortable initiating these face-to-face talk, especially with people I don’t know, at a party for instance.

I am very comfortable with emails as a medium. They tend to be somewhat formal because mostly work related but allow me to proofread myself and take my time to perfect my answer. I read and answer them when I’m comfortable to and I assume others do too. Also, they help me keep track of details and tasks I need to complete.

Office Communicator (OCS) is in between emails and texts. Messages tend to be short and casual, but I can still proofread my answer. The answer is usually expected immediately, but these interactions are not usually of high importance. Most of the time, I know well and am comfortable with people I interact with this way, whoever initiated the interaction.

Although I don’t like phone calls, I do spend a lot of time on my phone, and typing texts is fast and easy and comfortable to me. I can delay an answer, I’m sure the person I’m texting will answer when comfortable to do so. They are more personal than emails and people usually expect little of them (usually the answer to a precise question or some small chat).

Social media have become a part of my DNA. I don’t Instagram a picture of everything I eat, but I still share easily my pictures and like those of my feed. Same goes for Facebook: I share only what I want and keep in touch this way with all my contacts at once and easily. I have been blogging and using Google+ quite often lately with considerable ease, but also a certain fear of social judgment (or shyness). 

Thresholds for outside stimulation : Outside interactions

I’ve started Susan Cain’s Quiet, and I love her definition of introversion, as it fit me pretty well (p. 11): 

“Introverts and extroverts differ in the level of outside stimulation that they need to function well. Introverts feel “just right” with less stimulation” .

As I stated in my introduction, my daily job as a Lean Six Sigma BlackBelt drives me to mathematically verify my assumptions. So when I read this definition, my first reflex is to try and measure the level of stimulation that feel just right, first for me, then for others introverts and extroverts.

To be able to do that, I need to record stimulations in such a way to be able to perform a regression later on. That means recording not only how many stimulations I receive daily, but also their type, who they come from, by what means and how they make me feel. I’ve learn the hard way that it’s better to collect too much data when starting an analysis that to try to get them later on. As I need to perform statistical analysis on this data, I need to score each of these parameters.

Let’s start with the easier of all: the “who”.

The closest person to me is my husband. We have been living together for a few years now and found a way to make it work, despite our differences. See, he is a true extrovert who runs his own IT business. A good work day for him is seeing as many of his favorite customers as possible. A bad day would be spent alone at home working on customers’ systems. Generally speaking, of all of the people I know, he is the one who is the most effortless to interact with.

Then there are my family and close friends. We obviously don’t live together and are in touch fairly often (to my standards!). Interactions are effortless and silences are comfortable ones. Though, I don’t like to be on the phone with them, preferring by far seeing them.

As a project manager, I’m in touch with many people all day long. If I have a good relationship with that person, I’ve no problem interacting with them (depending on the subject). Though, colleagues are different from other relationships as they are ruled by the company HR chart & policy. We owe each other respect and can be held accountable for our actions. I’ll rate them equal as my family, as even if I’m less comfortable with them than my family, I interact with my colleagues every day (and have no say in this).

Acquaintances I don’t really keep in touch with, and when I do it’s mostly through Facebook or other social media. I don’t mind interacting with them, but I won’t be the one to initiate it. Another kind of acquaintances is colleagues I know but don’t see / interact with often. I’ll contact them if I need only and am not always comfortable interacting with them, as I know them less.

The last category is not a happy one. I’ll put here every person I don’t trust, am in a conflict with or dislike interacting with. As I hate conflict, they are the most difficult people for me to interact with, but I often don’t have a choice. I’ll call that category “unwanted relationships”.

Surviving the open space

In the 6 years I've been working, I've experienced different office configurations: small open space (4 desk hubs), large open space (15 people), office alone and 2 people office. Today, I’m back in a large open space, and feel very tired at the end of the day from the noise and interruptions.

Here are a few strategies I use to survive my days in the open space:

• Be at home at your desk: make sure you have everything around you to keep organized and to take small notes quickly. Also, looking at a picture you like for a few minutes can help you clear your head from the noise and activity going on around you.
• Isolate yourself from the noise: practice your ability to tune out everything around you. Don’t worry about people around you wanting to talk to you: they’ll find a way if it’s important. If you can, put headphones on, without music if you just want others to stop talking to you, or with music to block the noise.
• Say “no”: you don’t have to help everyone and do everything you’re asked to. If you don’t have time, don’t know how to fix your neighbor’s IT issue or are not the right person to do the job, say it! 
• Work from home or another work space once in a while: book a meeting room or a quieter space to perform tasks that require all your attention. If you can, work from home once in a while. Your productivity will increase and it will make the open space more bearable.
• Recharge during lunch: do something you like during your lunch: read a book, eat alone or with someone you get along with, eat in a fairly private spot or outside, whichever recharges more your batteries. 
• Use your commute time wisely: when going to work, brace yourself for the noise and activity that will take place in your day. When going back home, clear your head from your day and get ready to spend time with your family. Use mood specific playlists to get in the right mindset.

But obviously, the best way to survive the open space is to get a desk in a less crowded space!

The introvert trainer

As a Lean Six Sigma BlackBelt, one of my roles is to train my neophyte colleagues to the methodology. The group I work for has developed an initiation training that every employee has to go through. This is how I ended having 15 sessions of training planned in six weeks.

For three hours, I speak to 10 people about wastes, bottlenecks and root cause analysis. I know my material thoroughly as I translated it into French and that I have a deep understanding of the topics I speak about. During each session, we use a simulation to teach the concepts, as we often do in the group for Lean Six Sigma training.

Surprisingly enough, I love to train people. I love to pass on my knowledge, and even though speaking to a fairly large group of colleagues is something I’m not entirely comfortable with, the sessions have been going pretty well so far.

Being so caught up into training makes introspection easier. I've been asking for feedback and looking back on how have done during my first few sessions. Here are some of the tips that work for me:

Before the training:

• Get to know your material thoroughly: the more you know your material, the easier it will be to deliver it. Rehearse the training in your head a few days before and try to figure out the best way to deliver the message according to your audience and the message you want to deliver. 

• Prepare a few examples to illustrate your words: examples are always hard to find on the spot. If you have enough ready, you can use them first and then either come with new ones linked to your audience or ask trainees for some of their own.

• Make sure the logistics are flawless: if the room, time, breaks, food… need action from you when starting the training, you can’t relax and focus on the matter at hand. Make sure everyone, starting by you, is comfortable with the logistics. 

• Choose your outfit wisely: your outfit, but most likely how comfortable you are in it will determine trainees’ first impression. Your outfit should reflect the topics you are teaching but also the kind of audience you have. 

During the training:

• Use your stress to be energetic and don’t forget to smile: your stress can make your trainees uncomfortable but your smile will most likely make them smile back at you. Standing may help you focus on your speech and look more energetic.

• Don't forget introductions: introduce yourself first to set the expectations and give participants a minute or two to prepare their introductions. If the training is long enough, you may want to use an icebreaker game.

• State your agenda: give your participants an idea of what to expect during the training. Reassure them about their breaks and the time allowed to check on emails or make a call.

• Listen to your audience (or watch their reactions): tell your trainees when they should ask questions and how much you want them to participate. Pay attention to their body language to see how they are doing and look at their faces to make sure they understand what you are saying. 

• Try to include every participant, but never force someone to speak up: if you can, talk about projects related to your trainees, say their names when you talk to / about them. Make sure everyone has the opportunity to speak their minds, but don't insist if a participant doesn't want to speak.

• Use examples related to your job but also to your personal experience / life: if your trainees come from different department / product lines of the company, make sure to use examples that all can understand. Use other companies to demonstrate your point. If you teach Lean Six Sigma, talk about your personal experience or life: many concepts can be used at home too.

• Be patient with questions and praise the trainees who speak up: some participants will need more time to understand the concepts you are teaching. Remember that asking for an explanation can be a huge effort for them. When a trainee gives an example, try to say something positive and build on their example.

After the training:

• Get feedback from trainees you trust to be honest or managers: if you have a clear understanding of what was well perceived and what can be improved, you can only get better. Also, seeking feedback should earn you respect from your peers.

• Send an email to trainees to thank them for participating: follow up is key to leave a good impression. Besides, you may have documents, complementary information or pictures to send to the participants.

•  Make sure participants will keep something from your training: it can be material, pictures, a small (corporate) gift, but also knowledge to apply at work and in their personal life.

Don't forget to have a good time! If the training is painful for you, it will be even worse for the participants... Good luck !

B